A nervous wreck

Dad: What duck walks on two legs?

Me: Donald Duck!!

Dad: All of them, you moron

Me: shit

Scrubbed the shit out of that thing.

It’s pretty time-consuming

… his dad calls angrily after him: “YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!” 

Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!

A gummy bear

He’s been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he’s come down with a sore throat and can’t hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

“I’m sorry,” says the director, “but we can’t delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I’ll let you in on a little opera house secret.” The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. “Drink this. It’s a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again.”

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. “Euch! This is… awful! What’s in this tea anyways?”

“Well, it’s a secret herbal tea blend made with… well… fish broth.” The director replies. “Tuna, specifically. We’ve found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we’ve tried.”

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. “So… what did you think? Did I get the part or not?” He asks.

“I’m sorry,” said the director, “you performed well, but we’ve decided to give the part to someone else.”

“That’s OK,” the man says, “I’m just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea.”

He was checking his balance

All of them

Stupidity

Half baked.

Teacher: “Which Of The Two Travels Faster, Heat Or Cold?”

Student: “Heat”

Teacher: “What Makes You Think That?”

Student: “Because We Catch Cold“

He came home and complained of vowel movements.

Because I may vote for it in the next election!

The mean increases.

To check his balance