7821 Search Results Found For: "star"
Here's the top MCS tags found for "star"
- Star Wars
- Star Trek
- Stargate
- Starcraft
- Star Wars: Episode 6: Return of the Jedi
- Star Wars: Episode 3: Revenge Of The Sith
- LEGO Star Wars
- Star Trek: Into Darkness
- Starbucks
- Star Trek: The Next Generation
- Star Wars: Rebels
- Star Wars: The Clone Wars
- StarCraft II
- Star Trek: Nemesis
- Star Trek: First Contact
- Battle Beyond The Stars
- Dark Star
- Star Trek: The Motion Picture
- The Last Starfighter
- Star Wars: Episode 7: The Force Awakens
- Starship Troopers
- Fist of the North Star
- Homestar Runner
- StarTalk
- Star-Lord
- Stargate: Universe
- Star Wars: Battlefront
- Star Fox
- Men Who Stare At Goats
- The Star
- The Minnesota Starvation Experiment
- Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
- Star Trek: Beyond
- The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
- Star Citizen
- Star Wars: Celebration
- Starfire
- Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
- Star Trek: Discovery
- Starry Night
- Stargirl
- Star Trek: Voyager
- Star Wars: The Old Republic
- Starsky & Hutch
- Star Trek: Enterprise
- Krystle Starr
- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
- Star Wars: Episode 8: The Last Jedi
- Star Trek: Axanar
- Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Minnesota Party
Sick of the city, Sam quits his job and moves to Minnesota, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. After six months of isolation, someone knocks on his door. A huge bearded man is standing on his porch.
‘Name’s Lars, the man says, ‘from down the road. Having a party Saturday. Wanna come?
‘Definitely, says Sam. ‘After six months out here, I’m ready to meet some people.
‘Gotta warn you, says Lars, ‘there’s gonna be some drinkin.’
‘No problem: I can drink with the best of them, says Sam.
‘More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.
‘Well, I like people, Sam says. ‘I’ll be there.
Lars starts to walk away, but then turns back. ‘I seen some wild sex at these parties, too.
‘Not a problem, says Sam. ‘I’ve been alone for six months! Just one question, though: What should I wear?
Lars shrugs. ‘Whatever you want. It’s just gonna be the two of us.
Room 1221
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.
She replies, ‘if your cock is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.
George W. Bush Statue
Dear Sir:
We have the distinction of being members of a committee to raise $200,000,000 to be used for placing a statue of George W. Bush in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C.
The committee was in a quandary about selecting the proper location for the statue. It was thought unwise to place it beside that of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside that of Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George W. Bush could never tell the difference.
After careful consideration, we think it should be placed next to the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all, in that he started out not
knowing where he was going, and in arriving did not know where he was, and in returning did not know where he had been — and managed to do it all on borrowed money.
The inscription on the statue will read: “I pledge allegiance to George W. Bush and to the national debt for which he stands, one man, expendible, with graft and corruption for all.”
Five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.” Nearly five thousand years later, Ronald Reagan said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.” Now George W. Bush has stolen the shovels, kicked our asses, raised the price of Camels, and laid waste to the Promised Land.
If you are one of the few who has any money left over after paying off Bush’s huge national debt, we will expect a generous contribution from you toward this noteworthy project.
Yours sincerely,
National Committee on the Bush Bust
P.S. It is said that Michael Steele is considering changing the Republican party emblem from an elephant to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while one is getting screwed!
– snopes.com: The President’s Statue and the Promised Land
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on TikiHumor. if you would like you can add your own jokes.
Dom DeLuise Dead
Actor Dom DeLuise, who starred in such comedy classics as “The Cannonball Run” and “Blazing Saddles,” died at a Los Angeles hospital Monday night, according to a report on TMZ.com and confirmed by Entertainment Tonight.
The Brooklyn-born DeLuise, 75, may best be known for his role in “Fatso” where he played a man constantly struggling with his weight until he meets his dream girl.
www.newsday.com/entertainment/news/celebrity/ny-domdeluisedead0506,0,4313153.story
How long can you hold your breath?
During a pre-race performance, escape artist David Merlini holds his breath inside a transparent aquarium filled 264 Gallons (1000 liters) of water, as he attempted to break the world record for holding ones breath underwater before the start of the Bahrain Formula One Grand Prix, in Sakhir, Bahrain on Sunday, April 26, 2009. Merlini did set a new record, holding his breath for 21 minutes and 29 seconds
Boston.com: The Big Picture, #26
21+ minutes?!
Red hypergiants
The largest known star, XY Canis Majoris (right), compared with other known hypergiant stars, our own sun (yellow dot at left), and the orbits of Jupiter (red) and Neptune (blue), all to scale.
The Boeing Bird Of Prey technology demonstrator
The first flight was in 1996, and 39 more were performed through the program\’s conclusion in 1999.The Bird of Prey is designed to prevent shadows and is believed to have been used to test active camouflage, which would involve its surfaces changing color or luminosity to match the surroundings. The aircraft\’s name is a reference to the Klingon Bird of Prey warship from the Star Trek television series.
Jesus and Satan On The Computer
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job.’
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in
the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don’t have any?’
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES….
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on TikiHumor. if you would like you can add your own jokes.
Where No Man Has Eaten Breakfast Before
Saw this at the grocery store tonight – didn\’t buy it, but geeked out long enough to take a snapshot.
Jason Ellis(mate)
Jason Ellis is an Australian who hosts his own Sirius XM talk show every weekday afternoon on Faction XL.
Ellis got his start in pro-skateboarding, and now does everything from motocross to MMA. He also has own tongue-in-cheek metal band named Taintstick (how sweet of a name is that?)
I\’ve been listening to him for about two months now, and its, as they say, its RED DRAGONS! Anyone else listen to his show?
The New Yorker cartoon caption contest swipe
Read about this awhile ago, here:
www.tcj.com/messboard/viewtopic.php?t=3381&start=40
Don\’t remember if it ever became a big deal or not.
V838 Monocerotis
AKA The Firefox Star. It\’s in the constellation Monoceros about 20,000 light years from our Sun.
According to Wikipedia: The star experienced a major outburst that was observed in early 2002. Originally believed to be a typical nova eruption, it was then realized to be something completely different. The reason for the outburst is still uncertain, but several theories have been put forward, including an eruption related to stellar death processes and a merger of a binary star or planets.
Next Theme Day
It’s been much too long since I did a public theme day.
The next theme day is April 1st.
The Theme is the letters RPB. Anything that starts with those letter or has siginificant meaning with those initials is fair game. Please tag your submissions with RPB.
[update: there’s a little over 50 submissions already, and they’re perfectly perfect, and a few of them made me pause and lol for a moment. Remember, the deadline is coming up quickly, so if you’d like to submit images, please do it quickly!]
[DOUBLE UPDATE: I just went through all the images and queued up the ones that were there. We’re only half way through the day though! I need MOAR IMAGES. I DEMAND YOU POST MORE. pls kk thx]
Uptown Saturday Night
Tags:Humor, Movie Posters, Movies
Bill Cosby and Sidney Poiter star in this 70s comedy which would eventually be made into a trilogy, the followup films being “Let\’s Do It Again” and “A Piece of the Action”.
Kinky Sex
A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she’s so down to which she replies, ‘My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.â€
‘What a coincidence! he said, ‘My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.â€
So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman’s apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.
Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headeding towards the door.
‘What’s going on? she asks. ‘I thought you wanted to get kinky?â€
The man turns to her and says, ‘Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.â€
– The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on TikiHumor. if you would like you can add your own jokes.
vampire squid
Vampyroteuthis infernalis, literally “vampire squid from hell.” “Experts” and “scientists” would have you believe that this is simply a harmless deep-sea cephalopod, but I think these things are just biding their time until the stars are right and their dread master Cthulhu awakens so they can help him enslave the Earth. Or destroy it. Whichever.
Pretty Flowers…
oh, and my wife from when I started dating her in 2005.
(even though no one really asked for it in the “Just About to…Umm…Sneeze” thread, I was just following through)
Darths & Droids
Tags:Comic Books, Fantasy - Science Fiction, Humor, Star Wars
Funny Star Wars web comic that re-tells the whole saga through the eyes of Role-Players (alá D&D).
Still Mourning
Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter, seeing that her Mom was lonely, repeatedly urged her to start dating. On her daughter’s advice Karen finally went on a blind date.
After dating for just six weeks Karen and her new boyfriend fell in love. Eager to move the relationship to the next level he asked her to join him for a weekend at his cabin by the lake.
Their first night there, she undressed and stood nude in front of him except for a pair of black lacy panties.
‘Why the black panties? he asked.
‘My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.â€
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night, so he kindly suggested they just go to bed. The following night saw the same scenario. There she stood wearing her black panties. Without saying a word he took off all his clothes. He was naked except for a black condom that he had on.
She looked at him and asked curiously, ‘What’s with the black condom?â€
‘I would like to offer my deepest condolencesâ€, he replied.
– The Beer Goggler | Sometimes, All It Takes Is One More Drink…
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on tikiwebgroup.com
Cage
Damn great emcee/lyricist. Debuted in 93′ on Pete Nice’s solo album. Started out rapping horrorcore, but totally changed his style in 2005 with his Def Jux debut, Hell’s Winter. I can’t wait for his new album, Depart From Me.
The Tiki Web Group
Tags:Interesting, Internet-Fight.com
Just so you all know, I have plenty of other sites besides MCS:
Choose Your own Adventures [Visit] Kinda like the books you remember, but worse.
Comic Covers [Visit] Covers of comic books
Comic Images [Visit] Images from comic books. Submit your own!
*Dirty Limerick [Visit] A different dirty limerick every day. Submit your own!
*Internet-D [Visit] Internet discussion. Start a Discussion!
*My Confined Space [Visit] Random Image Blog. Submit your own!
Please Link Me [Visit] Kidna like tinyURL but better worse
*Random Nude [Visit] Random Nudity. Submit your own!
Secret Files & Origins [Visit] Comic Book Character bios
*Star Trek Book Club [Visit] Unofficial Star Trek Book Club
*Star Wars Book Club [Visit] Unofficial Star Wars Book Club
*Tallahassee Informer [Visit] Information about the great city I live in
*Zoom Comics [Visit] Comic book wallpapers. Submit your own!
So why am I telling you about all the fine weak ass sites that are part of the Tiki Web Group? I just filed my USA Taxes for 2008. Let me tell you, I owe the IRS nearly $2,000 bucks. Yes, perhaps I should have saved money during 2008, but I didn’t realize how well the tiki web group was doing in terms of income. Now I’m kinda stuck with a Federal bill that’s going to hamper my drinking spending power for the next few months unless I make some serious cash over the next couple weeks. And rather then beg for money and have to deal with the reporting that begging entails, I’d rather enhance the page views of all the sites that fall under the TWG banner. I’m sure that there’s suggestions that need/could be made for any of the above sites, so feel free to make them in the comments.
Want to donate to the TWG? Don’t. It’s a tax burden headache to process individual donations, so just visit the sites above, visit some of the sponsors, and wish me luck.
I’ve added a page to the Tiki Web Group’s homepage that has all of the latest and greatest posts on it, so if you’re going to bookmark one website today, let it be this one page.
As always, your login for MCS will work for any other site in the TWG. Sorta. All the wordpress sites at least. They’re the ones with the [*] before their names. I’m trying to find a good solution so that your login will work everywhere, but damn that’s a lot of coding, and we know how well Tiki goes at coding, right?
Also: I’m thinking of a MCS contest for a new logo for MCS. what you think?
Bad Drunk Driver
From the country where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Austin, Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off-it was a
fine, dry summer night-, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other
patrons’ vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station.
This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’
‘I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Redneck. ‘Tonight I’m the
designated decoy.’
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on tikiwebgroup.com
Construction Girl
Once there was 5 year old girl who lived with her family next to an empty lot. One day, a construction crew moved onto the empty lot and started building a new house. The little girl was fascinated by the commotion, and watched the work closely. Soon, she was wandering over to observe and talk with the construction workers.
The construction workers, who were “gems in the rough” kind of guys, took a shine to the charming and cute little girl and adopted her as a mascot. They got her tiny workboots and hardhat, and found small jobs for her to do so that she could be one of the crew. She even ate her lunch with them and had her snacks while they had their coffee breaks.
Her best moment was when they gave the little girl her very own paycheque. They told her that since she had worked with them, she deserved her own paycheque. She was thrilled that she had earned twenty dollars of her very own.
Her proud mother took the girl down to the bank so that she could open her own bank account using her twenty dollars.
“Your very own paycheque!” the teller said to the little girl, “How wonderful! How did you get this?”
The little girl breathlessly told the teller how she had earned it helping to build the house next door. The teller was charmed by the delightful girl’s tale.
“How charming!” the teller exclaimed, “and will you be helping to build the house next week too?”
“I will if those shitheads at Home Depot get off their asses and finally deliver the fucking drywall!”
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on tikiwebgroup.com
Busy In Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”
The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator…”
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on tikiwebgroup.com
Turning To Stone
Thirteen year old Mike came running out of a strip show where he had just seen a stripper in action. ‘Why are you in such a hurry? asked the manager. The young man skidded to a stop and replied excitedly, ‘My mother told me that if I ever looked at anything bad I would turn to stone, and think I have just fuck’n started!â€
– Tues Jan 6 – Lefturn’s Funny Shit
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on tikiwebgroup.com
The Long Way Out
The Long Way Out is a short film about Jason (Nick Frangione), an ex-child star and now a struggling actor, who decides that he\’s going to do a documentary, ala Morgan Spurlock, and film himself on a 30-day journey with heroin.
Lazy Frog
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on tikiwebgroup.com
Camping
Two brothers go on a camping trip in the mountains together. Once they had found a good spot to camp at, they decided to try something fun. Each brother would go his own way for a week, then return to the good camping spot and tell the other all about what they had seen and done. The two men agree that this is a good idea, and strike off on their own.
A week goes by, and they both return to the campsite. They set up their tents, and begin to tell their stories about what they had done the previous week.
The older brother says, “I walked down a ravine, and followed a small stream that was in the bottom of it. I saw lots of deer and birds. I slept next to a beautiful lake, and at night the sky was so full of stars that I swear that I saw the entire galaxy going by overhead.”
The younger brother says, “That sounds great! As for myself, I walked along a railroad track for a day or so. Eventually, I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks! I untied her, and carried her off the tracks in my arms. Soon, we were making love like crazed animals, in every position imaginable! We did that for the rest of the week, until I had to say farewell, leave her behind, and come back here.”
The older brother is amazed and very jealous of his younger sibling. “I suppose she gave amazing blowjobs too, didn’t she?” he says sourly.
“I’m afraid not, I never found her head.”
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on tikiwebgroup.com
Penguin’s Car
A penguin is driving his car across the country for his summer vacation. Suddenly, his car starts to make horrible noises. The penguin drives his ailing car into a roadside mechanic’s shop.
The mechanic tells the penguin that it will be about an hour until he can diagnose the problem. The penguin decides to kill the time by wandering over to a nearby mall.
He casually waddles through the mall, doing some window shopping. Then, he buys himself a vanilla ice cream cone to eat, since it’s such a hot day.
The Penguin starts to walk back to the shop, and while he eats his ice cream it drips all over his face and front.
As he enters the shop, the mechanic looks up from under the car’s hood and says to the Penguin, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
Embarrassed, the Penguin quickly says, “No, I swear it’s just ice cream!”
from tikiwebgroup.com
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Password Problems
DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Password Problems
A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.
‘Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars, she says.
‘Those asterisks are to protect you, the Help Desk technician explains, ‘so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.â€
‘Yeah, she says, ‘but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.â€
ME
from tikiwebgroup.com
Please go rate this post on tikiwebgroup.com
Legion Of The ‘Hog
Picture from the Schloss in Würzburg.
Either all of the Heraldric animals were already taken and this poor bastard got stuck with the hedgehog
or
This sucker purchased a shield with an eagle and the German vendor gave him “Ein Igel”.
Blind Man Vs Pissing Dog
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man’s leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied, ‘Oh I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass.
– DeadDog » DeadDog Archive » Blind Man
You Know You’re In Trouble When
You Know You’re In Trouble When
Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
NES for christmas
2nd Annual Christmas Rerun – The Sedated Ape
‘Christmas memory – I got a Nintendo system for Christmas right after they first came out. It was what I asked for, but the game seemed a lot more fun in the commercials. The game I got was called ‘Staring Contestâ€. You played against Walter Mondale, the idea was not to blink your eyes before he did. Years later my mother admitted that she just taped an 8″ by 10″ photograph of Mondale to the TV screen, and the ‘Nintendo machine was really just a shoe box with a cat toy for the controller. Anyway, don’t ever get into a staring contest with Walter Mondale. He’s REALLY good at that game. I only won once in the whole time I had the game.â€
The Final Step Is Acceptance
Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes » The Final Step Is Acceptance
(I work as a phone support technician for a large software company. Once a month one of our mentors listen to our calls, to ensure that we follow protocol. I was being listened to one day a few weeks ago.)
Me: ‘Welcome to Tech Support, you’re talking to ****â€
Customer: ‘Hi, my name is ****, and I work at **** bank. You’ve really gotta help me! I’ve got this message on my computer, and I don’t know what to do!â€
Me: ‘Okay, if you could start by reading the message to me, I’ll see what we can do.â€
Customer: ‘Oh, okay.. It says: ‘Your computer has been automatically adjusted for daylight savings time.’ What do i do?!â€
Me: ‘Er is there a button that says ‘OK’?â€
Customer: ‘Yes.â€
Me: ‘Can you tell me what happens when you click the ‘OK’ button?â€
Customer: ‘Oh, thank you very much! You’re a life saver! Thank you, thank you; now I can finally get these reports done!! *hangs up*
Me: ‘ you’re welcome?â€
Mentor: *after listening in* ‘You know what the scary part is? That is my contact at the bank the same person I entrust my life savings to.â€
ME
Hey are you pregnant ?
Thur Dec 18 – Lefturn’s Funny Shit
A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home,and they start fucking. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out. He says, ‘Hey, are you pregnant? She says, ‘That wasn’t a nipple, that was a boil.â€
