Not to be left behind amidst all the fun, the Church of the Holy Redeemer in Oklahoma has released this set of wholesome and godly public health advice. Some is based on Bible Verse, some on good old fashioned know how, the rest who the fuck knows. Clockwise from top left:

Look ye to the heavens and ye will not be troubled by the dry coughings of the wicked – Acts 2, 22

Be not tempted to use those really nice thin sheets of the Good Book when you run out of toilet paper. Remember he who shits through the eye of the needle will never enter a rich man and be in heaven. Jesus is coming and watching you. Have faith. Pray on this, it will all become clear to you. Clear as a glass crater, clean and smooth.

Hospital scrubs make excellent and naturally germ-repellent clothing. Remember to stock up on laundry powder in bulk because being at home quarantined sure does put a strain on the wardrobe. Not to be pessimistic but Jesus only likes clean plague victims. Orange Head Honcho ring of approval on this one.

Lizards, cats, grasshoppers, monkeys, and houseplants can all be infected with COVID_19. If in doubt, post to Facebook and get advice about whether they can be safely eaten or not when the ranch dressing stockpile in your pantry runs out.

Sheaves?! Yes. It’s OK. Being obsessed with toilet paper is normal, so long as you don’t start jacking off, drinking and doing drugs and finding humour in the situation while you’re all cooped up. Missouri does kind of look like a square of toilet paper, doesn’t it …

We all know this is an assualt rifle, not a guitar. No-one comes between me and my twenty packets of sanitary pads at the store, because heck, even people without this thing bleed from every orifice 24/7.

This safety advice has not yet gone viral. Groan. My pick would be the scrubs fashion, a nice prayer rally with everyone wearing that might be something to call Guinness Records about, we can’t stop praying, right.

I know, COVID_19 brlbrlorblorh. These Religious Galleries are a tough gig, and it’s yeah I’m taking a lazy one.