These are all KGB Training Discs from the 1980s, used to teach agents how to blend in with the American way of life. Only agents that passed all six disc subjects in the foundational course: 101SD: Probudit’sya k amerikanskoy mechte (Awake to the American Dream) could progress to the trio of BF 101: Honey Trap Basics, BG223: Keeping up with the Joneses and Under their Radar (trickier than it might first seem) and BD221: Yes you have to do Thanksgiving and this is How to love it like Vodka and Stalin.

Clockwise from top left: Russians in the 80s didn’t have BBQs. While cooking anything that came wrapped around bones – horse, cat, rat, german snipers – on radiator grilles torn from shelled out cars over open fires was common during world war two, especially in Stalingrad; by the 80s no-one cooked this way in Russia. BBQ smell is one of the most enticing aromas there is, just the thing to attract neighbours attention. And that could land you in the gulag, especially if you had a shiny grill set upto covet. So, no BBQs. But Americans love BBQing. This disc taught the agents to relax and laugh while doing what they had learned was a highly dangerous activity, liable to get them killed.

Likewise with pizza. Calm and casual like this food of the gods was every day, and you could just get it any time without queueing. Every agent that first saw this disc thought it was borscht on cardboard with a bit of snow sprinkled on top. Pizza? Unheard of. Much fun was had getting the stringy cheese management just right. The students didn’t practice on real pizza, just cardboard with borscht but not snow on top, at least, brr, so cold, no: melted rubber bands.

This was for the agents to start understanding that there were real americans, and then others, even though it was hard to tell the difference from the outside. There are five real americans here and one other. It might take years to find out, the agents were told, depending on who you asked.

This one doesn’t belong in here. It’s from BF 101: Honey Trap Basics, slipped in every time to motivate the students. Really, have you ever eaten cardboard “pizza” with borscht and melted rubber bands, and pretended to like it? The KGB might have been under-resourced and had really bad hats, but they weren’t stupid.

This one’s for hiding the tell-tale Communist Red Neck* and being persuasive yet charming in public. She’s thinking “Hmm, that neck, looks a little … like everyone says about Russians, no… he’s so knowledgeable about thick shakes and has something sticking into my back here… how sweet” Perfect techneck.

This was to prepare the agents for life in first Canada while they established their fake backgrounds, and then the USA. This was designed to be just like 80s North America and yet also remind the agents that these people were not human. Surprisingly effective.

This segment of the two year training was the one most students passed. It was pretty easy. Except for the BBQ’ing, because they used rats, no marinade, and no sauce. akes you shudder to think, doesn’t it. No marinade, no sauce…

Seven hundred sleeper agents and only a handful ever caught. Goes to show what a bit of motivation to serve one’s country while eating pizza and BBQ and shakes can do, I mean, patritotism, yes.

*Not you. Psh. Not you at all. It was just too good to pass up. Look at that neck. Obviously the product of some serious … and the arm. Yikes. yes, dear, I’m not an illegal alien, nono, not at all. How about some Juke. Box. Tunes? Bleep blorp.