These are from The CIA’s 1980s Counterintellegence Manual, designed with the knowledge that hundreds, possibly millions of Russian Communists were posing as regular American Citizens. Quotes from the Manual clockwise from top left:

34a PIPES In this day and age be wary of a woman who wants to light your pipe. If your hand splays like this, you feel a tension through your body, and your gaze becomes fixed in the presence of a woman like this, be very suspicious. Note the hand on top of the head, a documented pressure point for Mind Control Ops. If the ice cubes are rattling in your glass, put it down very slowly and prepare for close quarters combat.

34b TULLE It is a well-known fact that a high proportion, possibly 20 or 85% of KGB Agents have dated a Bolshoi Ballet dancer, been to the ballet, or were recruited from the Company’s ranks. This is because Russia has only ballet and melodramatic literature, unlike the USA which has a wide range of cultural pursuits, one of the many benefits of being Free and able to buy many things. A yearning for tulle, known as “Slitznepnya” is a special kind of melancholy that can affect sleeper agents, especially during television off-season. One of the best times to catch a sleeper agent is when they have the slitznepnya upon them and are drawn to any kind of dancing skirt. Note the clinging to the dancer’s leg and the mismatched plaid. A tell-tale sign of a Russian agent is mismatched patterns in clothing. Check their drink. If it is a pint of vodka, it is likely not a Russian agent as they would never be so obvious, even if suffering from the urge to stick their head up into a cloud of tulle and breathe the smell of home.

34c MOVIE SNACKS Russian women who have been through a KGB program find it virtually impossible to not be sexy and uncaring eating fried chicken from a bucket and watching decadent Western films. At the theatre or the drive-in, they will sit like this, staring at the movie screen, occassionally fishing out pieces of food that fall down into their panties. If she glances down, even for a split second, or moves her hand faster than a lazy crawl to retrieve the pieces, she’s not Russian and safe to take home. They are well aware of it, and only get the chicken if they are planning to take you out partway through the film, A well-trained agent can take a man out and keep on eating and watching the film, not missing a beat. Some say this is why popcorn is so popular at the movies. Russian women don’t like popcorn. They say it tastes like salty religion. You do not want to hear a Russian woman saying that in your ear in a dark place.

34d WAX Russian men and women do not wax. In Russia, wax is absolutely only for candles and effigies of great leaders. No patriotic Russian wants to think of melted down Stalin or Lenin betwen their legs. However, a disproportionate number of beauty salon owner-operators are Russian. This is because they are more than happy to use “Poloniski-nyad” on others, which is an idiom but very roughly means “Gulag Lawn Enforcement”. More than happy to. Stoicially joyful, even. If you get close enough to ask about waxing, which is always a sensible idea bearing in mind the above, be on high alert if you get slapped, especially on both cheeks.

34dd Going Dutch This once can be used to flush out heterosexual male angents, which we cannot be sure any Russian men are as they are not red-blooded Americans which is the only place they are not red, no, their blood is black like their hearts which you will know from experience killing many of them if you are lucky and follow this guide and your training and instincts. Take him to one of the many Dutch restautants in your local area that have waiters dressed only in an apron. When the waiter comes out with the menu, watch him become unable to ask to see it or agree to see it, so deeply ingrained is his training that her all-seeing boobs will arrest him and he will never again see daylight break in Moscow. Here he’s doing the “You order!” move, which might work for a woman who has offered to go Dutch, but are you that? No. Remember your training at all times.

34fg Towels Russian women cannot help but sunbathe in tight military formation. Extra telling are the white chalk body outline towels, standard KGB issue although you can buy them at department stores in California, Florida and Illinois. How to tell the difference? The KGB ones belong to KGB agents, of course, you can’t get them any other way than graduating their sleeper agent course.

Do not panic!!! at the dozens of tips and rules in this book. Taken singly, unless you have been assualted and thoroughly fucked, or it’s really suspicious, these rules do not mean a lot. They could describe normal Americans and a few Irish folks, maybe the odd Greek or German. If someone fits more than three of these, begin counter-intelligence without delay. Bring them in, the second they look worried or frightened.

This manual has resulted in 177 sleeper agents being arrested and sent to secure facilities where they are providing our govenrment with huge amounts of useful information, much of which can be found throughout this book, which is itself, a work in progress. The first edition had three pages of information. Now, this, the third, six months later, has three hundred pages.

At this rate, we will understand them so well they will have to give up and leave us without an enemy and that means we can all relax and focus on our real mission of getting out there and cleaning up the world, one goddamn commie cesspit at a time.