I know this is just a joke post, but I still feel the need to bring my trademark hate. Feel the terrible fury of my seething contempt as I trash talk sacred cows.

Krav Maga: Incompetent instructors use ineffective training to teach techniques that rarely work, even when trained correctly. 3 strikes and you’re out. It’s a joke martial art sold to newbs who don’t know better. Krav Maga instructors are the snake oil salesmen of the MA world. Example #1 how you can sell bullshit to idiots by telling them that they’re training for the street.

Ninjitsu: Go cry in a corner, larper Naruto fag.

Karate: It’s two extremes of suck and fail. One extreme is the fat ass strip mall Mcdojo Sensei who has never been in a fight and sells 9 year olds black belts for doing a little dance in a gi. The other extreme is the Kyukushin assholes who fight bareknuckle but somehow don’t learn to protect their head, because then they would have to change their training a little to do that, and that would make Mas Oyama’s ghost cry.

Kung Fu: Effeminate man-dancers wear silk pajamas, perform dance routines, and talk about chi. Then they pretend they invented all martial arts and ignore the fact that Bodhidharma came from India.

Jeet Kune Do: THE absolute best martial art to train for fat retarded Bruce Lee nut riders who watch too many movies. They’ll felate him like a god, but avoid his rigorous training regime and progressive mindset like the plague.

Muay Thai: The Good news? It has two techniques that really work well. The bad news is they can be picked up so quickly that other styles can copy them easily and make Muay Thai irrelevant.

BJJ: Oh good for you, Gracies!! You proved that if someone doesn’t know how to fight on the ground, they can’t fight on the ground. *golf clap* What a fucking revelation!!! You sure did get a lot of mileage from all those newaza techniques you swiped form Judo and passed off as your own.

It’s too bad that 95% of you training goes right out the window if someone has rudimentary takedown defense. What’s that sound? That’s the sound of an overspecialized douchebag getting his ass kicked. How does it feel to eat a billion punches to the face?

At least you can still beat guys who try to substitute eye gouges for real training, but even those guys will learn a basic sprawl eventually, and then you’re fucked.

Now go back to Brazil and fade back into obscurity.